Someone asked me the other day, “What does a sex coach do, exactly?”
Ask the internet, and most answers didn’t speak to sex coaching at all. They talk about sex therapy or sex education or sexology or sex-work — none of which is what I do. Some of the comments on sex coaching speak to a coach who is live and present with a couple as they navigate sex in real time — I don’t do this either. (But I do have a great praying mantis photo from my collection for JUST this occasion! I call it: impending buffet!)
What do I do as a sex coach? I ask:
What does it mean, TO YOU, to thrive sexually?
My job is to get you there.
I use a variety of somatic tools to make this quest fun, informative, connected, and successful.
Sexual thriving doesn’t look just one way.
I hear as many different definitions as I have clients!
From, “If I were thriving sexually, I could have an orgasm!” [full stop] to “I could have an orgasm…
“Of an exciting new kind!”
“Without my vibrator.”
“With the lights on because I’d feel good about my body.”
“With internal stimulation only.”
“Without relying on fantasy.”
“I could have an orgasm and know I’m safe and worthy.”
Very often sexual thriving isn’t about orgasm at all. It might be a sense of good health or trust in the body. It might be personal empowerment, or a shift in the way it feels to be in partnership.
“Sexual thriving means my infections go away and I feel healthy in my pelvis.”
“Sexual thriving means I’m pain free.”
“Sexual thriving looks like being full of energy and confidence!”
“When I really thrive sexually, I will desire my husband. Sex will be fun, not another obligation.”
Once we get a vision of sexual thriving, we hone it to a very clear goal, then we begin to take steps towards the goal.
There are two basic types of steps: steps towards the goal (building the thriving) and steps to integrate what’s blocking the goal.
Steps towards a goal might include basic sex or anatomy education. We might name your parts and give you a hand mirror to make sure you know where everything is. There might be diagrams and data. Steps towards a goal might look like re-training of the nervous system. I might give you exercises to do that help you physically feel sensations inside your vagina or notice pleasure in your daily life. I might assign you breast massage to increase your sense of self-love. I might teach you how to turn on a spring in your step whenever you want. Steps towards goal might involve identifying parts of yourself that already support your thriving, and empowering them even more.
The closer we get to realizing sexual thriving, the more resistance tends to pop up. This is where integration comes in. For any sticky, tricky piece from the past, we deploy all my best methods to meet it, greet it, and figure out how to make friends with it. Resistance can be a powerful ally when you stop fighting it and start working together towards a shared goal. (This part derives from Tantra, but feels a bit like Internal Family Systems therapy.) Integration work can also include physical practices like vaginal de-armoring, which is a sort of self-accupressure that can help your body release tension and memory stored in the tissues of the genitals. And because we are, most of us, the product of some pretty toxic cultural conditioning around sexuality, integration of blockages occasionally means releasing beliefs that we don’t wish to hang onto anymore about sex.
What kind of support do you need?
Do you need a sex therapist? Maybe. Therapists can diagnose and treat mental health conditions, and I can’t. So if you think you might be suffering from a mental health condition, try therapy! Most of my clients have both a therapist (though not usually a sex therapist) and a coach. I love my work in parallel to EMDR, which is a type of therapy that’s quite effective for PTSD but I am not qualified to offer. When it comes to couples therapy, I’m pretty picky. I recommend Gottman certified therapists only. I think most couples therapy does more harm than good, which is a can of worms for another blog post some other day.
Do you need a physical doctor? Yes! Almost certainly you need a healthcare provider of some kind. My work is a wonderful complement to pelvic floor rehab, painful sex, lichen sclerosis, chronic infection, etc. But I can’t actually TREAT any of those conditions because I am not a medical provider. You deserve to have your entire self cared for in every way, including medicine if and when you ever need it. I continue to deepen my study on the physical body, but I have no intention of ever pursuing an MD. Thankfully, many other people have that deep qualification. If you don’t like or trust your doctor, keep looking until you find one who values your input as the world’s only witness to what happens inside of your body.
Do you NEED a sex coach? No! You definitely don’t need a sex coach. The magic comes from YOU. You can absolutely identify and attain your own sexual thriving all on your own, or with the help of your local librarian. (I’ve read about 100 books on sex and the body this year, so shout out if you need a recommendation.) But it can be something really special to have a coach at your side, to hold safe, affirming space for your work, and to offer somatic tools that keep your learning deep and your efforts productive. So if you WANT a sex coach, you should totally go for it. Life is too short to give up on thriving.
